


Breathe Me

by bloodysteel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Minor Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:00:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21547228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodysteel/pseuds/bloodysteel
Summary: For the prompt : A canon-based prompt = a scene from any of their years together on the Ring, or maybe the missing scene where she finds out he gets shot in late S5 and she almost left him behind.Canon compliant for a bit, canon divergent for the end.--Raven rushes to Murphy when she learns he was shot and she almost left him behind, broken and shaken. It leads up to them remembering a time on the Ark they couldn't nor even could forget.
Relationships: John Murphy/Raven Reyes
Comments: 5
Kudos: 74





	Breathe Me

As soon as they were up in the sky, Echo taped on Raven’s shoulder and whispered the news in her ear. Her face turned white and she stood up suddenly, excusing herself and rushing out of the control room. Shaw frowned but Echo waved him out, he would get explanation later on.

Raven limped to the room but paused at the door, watching as Emori soothed his wounds, passing a wet cloth on his forehead. Abby was there; she seemed to have examined Murphy and ready to set off. They still hadn’t noticed her standing in the hallway. Abby told her he needed rest, food and attention but he would soon be better. Emori nodded and thanked her without looking up from Murphy. He had his eyes closed under Emori’s touch; Raven thought he was asleep when he thanked Abby too. Taking care of them was the least she could do after everything that happened.

Abby almost stumbled on her as she was exiting the room. “Raven, I’m sorry, I-“

“Abby, don’t.” Raven walked past her into the room and both Murphy and Emori looked up at her. She kneeled down next to the bed, close to Murphy’s face. Her stare was hard on him, like she was about to hit him. Murphy was holding her stare, just as hard. Emori suddenly felt out of place – she didn’t what to two had lived when they were left alone on the ship or when they had been taken by the Eligius crew.

“I’ll check on the others. I’ll be back soon. Rae, you look like you could kill him now, please don’t.” Emori smiled at her joke, but the two seemed to ignore her. She sighed and just followed Abby’s trail out of the room, closing the door behind her.

“So, are you here to finish the work?” he smirked and she wanted to smack him but she could see the bandages around his torso. The tears started to well up in her eyes. She let her head fall on the unarmed part of his chest and closed her eyes.

Murphy was somehow taken aback by her move but looking back at their history, he could have expected it. He put his hand on her hair and started caressing her. The quiet sound of their heartbeats and breathings was soothing her; he wasn’t dead, he was going to be ok. She thought she had cried all of her tears a long time ago but she found out her heart could still bleed.

_He will be just fine._

She tried to persuade herself but right now, she just needed to cry. She had to allow herself to be weak for once. He smelled a bit like medicine, but also like he used to smell when she hugged him for the first time, when she thought she was going to die, when Becca was in her mind, when she wanted to go float herself.

“I’m sorry.” She rose her head from his chest. The words hung in the air, like the unspoken ones she would never utter, those she would never hear. _I was scared to lose you. I don’t want to be parted from you. I can’t live without you._

“It’s not like you shot me, Reyes.” She backed up a few inches against the wall and sat back against it. He tried to sit up but winced in pain all the while. She tried to reach out to help him but he waved her away. He didn’t need her that way. He didn’t want to be weak – he would recover entirely according to Abby, whereas Raven would never get her leg back because _he_ shot her.

“I almost left without you. If Bellamy hadn’t been there, if Monty hadn’t carried you – you would have been gone.” _I would have lost you._

Her eyes were still red from crying and the tears were still not far from spilling down her cheeks again. That fact alone hurt Murphy more than his wounds did. He couldn’t stand to watch her suffer anymore – she had already suffered enough and part of it was directly his own particular fault.

“You didn’t. That’s what matters. You didn’t and we’re both here.” He smirked again but it didn’t reach his eyes and Raven couldn’t smile back. “You still managed to save the day again, Reyes. I know you wouldn’t have left me on purpose, trust me, I know it. I still don’t trust that boyfriend of yours on that part, though.” He cracked a joke, trying to cheer her up.

But it landed flat and she just looked down at her hands. “Yeah, my boyfriend.”

“Trouble in paradise?” he inquired. The subject was shifting, they both knew they were on a slippery slide there but they also knew it would be easier to talk about than how she almost left him behind. It was unbearable to her – she couldn’t fathom what Bellamy had been through on the Ark. The mere possibility of leaving him behind – she couldn’t.

She sighed. “He told me he loved me.” It felt like another blow to his chest. Just as bloody and painful. He clenched his jaw hoping she wouldn’t notice – but she did.

“And you answered?”

She glared at him. “I love him, Murphy.”

He was dead. Dead, dead, dead. Three words, eight letters – eleven blows straight through his heart. But he had no right, no claim over her happiness and love. He had no right because he had Emori and he loved Emori. Raven knew that, she had been the silent witness of their love for _years_. Until she wasn’t but that was another story, another time when life was a dull pain up in space.

“Yeah, right.” He said through his teeth.

She didn’t know what to tell him next. Of course she loved Shaw. But she loved more than one person. She held all of her friends – present and past – close to her heart surrounded by love, even though she couldn’t voice it. She loved Shaw.

She just wasn’t in love with him.

But she couldn’t voice that either. She couldn’t allow herself to think about it when he was lying hurt before her, when he would have dead if not for Emori – the one he loved – because she almost left him behind to die. Actually die. No black blood survival possible. He almost died, and she still couldn’t accept it. 

“You okay?” She eventually asked, her eyes on his bandages, trying her hardest not to look at his bare chest. She tried not to remember too vividly the time her fingers lingered on this chest lazily as his own fingers lingered on her bare back.

“Yeah. Emori took good care of me and promised Abby she would carry on.” She nodded and the silence settled between them once more. The words wouldn’t come out of her mouth, she couldn’t voice them because she feared her voice could break from it and tears would start rolling down her cheeks again. She hated being so weak, she hated that it was his fault, she hated him. And more than anything, she hated that she couldn’t hate him for everything he did to _them – the both of them_.

“You too are back together, I guess?”

“I love her, Raven.” He mirrored her and the words pierced her heart like an arrow.

The fact that they needed to voice it to make it real spoke more than their own words. Raven feared someone might want to enter and break their bubble, she wanted to stay with him that way forever. She knew she would open up to him if they stayed that way and it scared her too. Still, she didn’t want to go.

“I know. I remember, don’t you?”

Of course he remembered, how could he have forgotten when that night hunted all the nights after? When her touches spoiled all the touches that came after? When her kisses just ruined all kisses that Emori put her heart into?

\--

It was a night about a year after Murphy isolated himself from all the others. Emori was sleeping in Raven’s room because the silent and loneliness in her own room was too hard to bear. But Emori was snoring and Raven’s thoughts were too loud for her to sleep. She could hear Echo’s moans in the dark of the night and was almost jealous – she remembered Bellamy was good at it. So good when she had needed it so much back on the Earth – she realized only years later, when he confided in her after days of staring down silently at the burning Earth below them, that he had needed it too. He had needed to make the pain go away too, the same kind she had felt at the time, except it wasn’t for Finn, but for the blond beauty he had gone with.

Raven couldn’t sleep; so she decided to take a walk round the Ark. She walked past Echo and Bellamy’s room, confirming the two were still in their honeymoon phase and fucking at every opportunity – Raven was happy that Bellamy had eventually moved past Echo’s flaws and Clarke’s memory. She still couldn’t help but think about what would have happened if Clarke had come with them. She smiled to herself; of course, Clarke and Bellamy would have tossed and turned one around the other until that day where they wouldn’t leave their room either.

She missed Clarke, she missed her friend, even though times had been hard and she hadn’t always agreed with her choices. But she knew Clarke always tried her best for her friends, for their survival and well-being, taking the weight of hard choices on her shoulders to carry alone.

Wandering around lost in her thoughts, Raven eventually entered what they called Murphy’s no-go zone. It was late in the night, so Murphy must have been sound asleep. Raven turned around to go back into her quarters.

Except Murphy was there standing in her way, smirking wickedly at her.

“Someone got lost? Or were you trying to find me?” he said slowly walking toward her. She knew he wouldn’t hurt her – he only ever fought Bellamy, because that’s what they did and liked to do. Bellamy usually won, but sometimes he would let him win to see if it brought something out of him. Nothing could bring something out of Murphy anymore. Raven had listened to Emori cry and mourn her love for Murphy for months until the grounder girl was finally over their love story.

“Yeah, well, I’m out. Let me pass, I’ll just leave you to your madness, Murphy.” She tried to stride toward him so he would let her pass, but she ended up face to face with him. _Too close_ , her mind screamed.

“Seeing something you like?” he smirked when he caught her staring up at him.

She blushed and smacked him in the shoulder. “Shut up and let me pass.” The hallway was narrow there and she was sure she wasn’t strong enough to fight him out of her way.

He sighed and moved away. “And here I thought you came to see me, too bad.” He was playful but she could hear a hint of sadness behind his smirk. She didn’t move and frowned, staring at him. She couldn’t help but feeling sorry for him – life secluded on the Ark drove him into a form of madness they couldn’t help him out of. Clarke could have reached out to him – but only cockroaches could understand one another.

“I can stay if you want.” She said and even though he tried to hide it, his face lit up at her words. He showed her the way to his quarters and she wondered if any of them had been welcomed there before her. She guessed not.

There was a mattress on the floor and some plates scattered around, books too. His place was a mess, like his hair, like his smile, like his clothes. But damn, his smile. It sent butterflies fluttering in her stomach – she suddenly had a wish to murder said butterflies.

Thinking back at it, Raven hadn’t had a man in her arms since Wick. She swallowed. She couldn’t be thinking _that_ about Murphy, right? Murphy who broke Emori’s heart, Murphy who shot her and made her leg limp for forever.

Still, as he sat on the bed and invited her to do the same – there was nowhere else to sit down if not on the cold metallic floor, she felt her heart grow and blood pumping fast through her heart. She joined him, trying not to fall down on the mattress because of her weak leg – she was surprised to feel Murphy’s hands on her waist helping her down. She was almost too stunned to thank him, she realized at that moment she had missed the one that had become her friend over the last years.

“When are you coming back with us, Murphy?”

He snorted. “Why?” Setting his dark eyes on her, staring in the deep of her soul.

_I miss you._

“We miss you.”

He smirked and look up at the ceiling. “No you don’t. I can’t bear this metal box. I can’t bear being here anymore.”

_I can’t bear being worthless anymore._

“Murphy, we’ll go down. We won’t stay here forever, but we need to stick together. We can help you, you’re not alone in this.”

He shook his head. She didn’t understand, none of them did. He couldn’t scream it, because he didn’t understand it himself. The pain was too much, the guilt. They left Clarke behind, he should have gone in her stead to fix the radio. He wasn’t useful to them anymore, he had never been. They all managed to find a purpose on this ship, he didn’t.

“Raven, you’re not alone either.”

His words struck her like a blow. She followed him there to comfort him and it looked like he was doing the one comforting _her_. She realized she had felt alone, even surrounded by her friends on the Ark. Because she was the one responsible for taking them up, and therefore they all relied on her taking them down now the Earth was survivable again. They didn’t pressure her much, because they knew it wouldn’t serve their purpose, but she still felt alone, because she knew it was all her fault if they ended up staying forever up in space.

“Without, we’d all be dead, Reyes. Be proud, raise your head. You’ll find the solution. Now, if that’s all you wanted to hear and need nothing more from me, you can leave me to my nightly thinking of how useful I am to this goddamn ship.” He let himself fall back on his bed, his hands behind his head. He raised an eyebrow at her and then closed his eyes. She guessed he expected her to go away, but she wouldn’t.

“You’re not useless or worthless, Murphy.” He snorted without opening his eyes. Maybe he hoped it would make her go away but Raven wasn’t that easily taken down. “You’re our friend, you’re my friend and I care about you as much as I care for the others.”

_Or even more. More now than ever, but I won’t tell you that, you stupid cockroach._

“Whatever.” She frowned, looking down at him. Murphy wasn’t a man of emotions but a man of actions. He needed her to prove him wrong, to prove him they still cared about him – that _she_ still cared about him.

So she did the first thing that came to her tired and sleepy mind. She laid down next to him and curled around him before he could protest, but her chest on his chest just below his chin. He smelled good.

And those goddamn butterflies kept fluttering.

“What the hell!” he grunted and she shushed him. He tried to sit up before her weight didn’t let him – or he wouldn’t just push her away. So he gave up easily and just put an arm around her waist, his fingers touching the skin that her top had left bare. She felt electricity coming from his touch, but couldn’t react on it. She heard his heartbeat fasten and breath quicken and smiled at that – maybe Murphy wasn’t too insensitive, maybe all he needed was a hug.

“This doesn’t feel as bad as I thought.”

She smacked him and heard him laugh. Yeah, that felt good. She pushed herself up to look at him and noticed how content he looked. He opened his eyes when he felt her staring and maybe that was it, the spark that lit their fire. His gaze hot on her as the butterflies kept wanting out – all Raven knew next was that her lips were on his and suddenly he flipped them up so he was on top of her, his chest pressed against hers.

It was messy, sloppy and mouthy but it was hungry most of all. His lips were chapped and he tasted like danger but it felt better than anything she had ever had. His hands were rough on her skin but it was electrifying. She wanted him, she wanted him bad.

She arched her back grinding against him and groaned as she felt him growing hard above her. She was out of breath, they only parted for a few seconds – one so she could take off her top; two so she could take off _his_ shirt; three so he could look at her all flushed under him and keep this memory forever in his heart.

He was careful taking off her brace and she soon realized she was naked whereas he was almost still fully clothed. He shut her up before she could protest with another hungry and angry kiss, battling their tongues while her hands roamed her body as if his life depended on it. Then his kisses trailed down her jaw, her neck, her breasts and never stopped, her breath hitching as his lips reaching the curls of soaking cunt. She looked down at him smirking at her before he licked her cunt and she arched her back with such force she could have knocked him down. With a hand on her waist, he forced her down as he began nipping, licking and sucking at her clit, inserting one than two than three – when she begged for it – fingers inside her pulsing cunt making her cry as her orgasm came in waves and crushed her.

All happened so fast and before she could realize it, his mouth was back on hers and she could taste herself on his tongue. It used to disgust her when Finn did that but with Murphy – dangerous, reckless, cunning Murphy – it had a whole other flavor and it made her moan under him.

Her body seemed to wake up from the orgasm, she grasped his belt and tore his pants apart, pushing everything down so she could finally have access to his cock. As her fingers squeezed slightly his manhood, he paused his kissing her neck and hissed, frowning as he was obviously trying to hold himself back.

“Inside. Now.” She panted and he didn’t wait for more. With his pants still on his knees, he grabbed her by the ass and aligned himself with her cunt, pushing inside her fully soaked pussy in a common cry of pleasure.

Once fully inside her, he paused, letting her adjust to his size and when he felt her squirm under him, he started moving. Painfully slow first – just because he wanted her to beg for it and even though she wouldn’t let herself do so, she couldn’t take it anymore.

“Fuck me faster, Murphy, or I swear I’ll do it myself.” She groaned and he smirked at her, crashing his lips on hers and with no warning, he started pounding into her. Her cries echoed in the metallic box, joined by his groans. The smell of their joined sweat made her head turn. She wanted more, more of him as she clung to him, scratching his back with her nails, driving him deeper and deeper inside as they were coming apart together.

They stayed tangled and out of breath for a while, Murphy on top of Raven as he was growing soft inside of her. His face was stuck in the crook of her neck and none of them wanted to move – because it meant dealing with the feelings behind what they did or at least facing that yeah, they worked **_good_** together.

Murphy eventually moved, kissing her jaw softly and rose from the bed. She looked up at him, and they laughed together at his pants half undone.

“Want to stay?” He asked

_Yes. Yes I want to stay. Not just for the night._

“I should go, Murphy.” He smirked again, his signature smirk, but the sadness was back in his eyes. She couldn’t stay, she couldn’t face the others knowing what they’d done – couldn’t face Emori. The girl was still in love with Murphy, no matter what she tried to pretend.

Raven hurriedly put her clothes back on and rushed out of the room before Murphy could see how shaken she was, how wet her eyes were and how much she had wanted to stay with him.

\--

“You should have stayed.” He ended up saying.

“You should have made me.” She whispered and he thought she hadn’t said it when they heard footsteps. They both thought someone was going to enter and notice how shaken they both were. They were lucky enough nobody came in.

“Would you? Would you stay?”

“You love her.”

“You love him.”

They both clenched their jaws. She wanted to scream. She loved Shaw like she had loved Wick or Finn. She had loved them with all her heart, but it wasn’t enough.

“I’m in love with you.”

It was a whisper, a small one. She thought she had dreamed it and she was sure it was on purpose – he surely didn’t want her to hear if it wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear.

But it was.

The tears started flowing back down her cheeks but this time, she smiled through them.

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing these two that I love! Please send me some feedback, I'd love to hear your thoughts :) I hope I was into character, I really love these two (well, if you take out S6 with them being bitches to my Clarkey).
> 
> Love <3


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